2021 could be a Cracker!

Another week has been gobbled up by Covid-19 and whilst we are all still running our virtual comrades marathon there is still no finishing post in sight. The road in fact looks the same as last week and the previous week.

We’re all still feeling as confused as a neutered dog in the centre of the road.

However we have silently become covert rebels.  Yes, I admit that I’ve sneaked a nostril or two out of isolation whilst hiding behind the cheese counter in the supermarket.  Oh and it felt good!

The Virus will be with us for years to come.

Admittedly, I am mildly terrified after a quivering statement from under the bunched curtain alluded to the fact that the virus could be with us not only for this year but for years to come. By that stage, our masks would have grown into our wrinkles and we’ll have support groups for those addicted to touching their faces.

Even more concerning is that in a year or so, our intrepid leaders may have to be pushed into the sun and wear bibs to catch their morning’s ProNutro. As South Africans, we do not give up. Especially if you are an honourable member. However, the speaker may need to schedule regular breaks for bingo and fossil fitness between naps.

We totter behind great nations.

South Africans have pioneered many of the world’s firsts, such as Dr. Chris Barnard who performed the first heart transplant. Perhaps he knew more than we thought as even in 1967 he had already started wearing his mask. However, despite the notable achievements of many of our daring greats we grudgingly acknowledge that we do totter far behind other great nations on many counts.

We pride ourselves on being late like the bride who makes a grand entrance when the congregation is already covered with cobwebs. We do need more time than most, to address the nation, to hold meetings, and to pass judgement in court cases.

We may be a little late.

It is therefore in keeping that we may be a little late in lifting the lock-down as we have been preoccupied in finding a daily alternative means to raise R35 million in taxes.  All of which had previously gone up in smoke.

We have therefore conceivably forgotten about the tourism industry and those lunging energetically towards empty gyms.

It is not an impossible thought as we did forget to dispense with JZ’s services, even when he was bullied on the playground by foreigners with a penchant for curry. We also forgot to switch on the lights for a few years and we forgot to close the purse when our airline whined for more tuck money.

Our restaurants are now ‘unbanned

However, our restaurants are now ‘unbanned’, and waiters stand in anticipation holding steaming platters aloft whilst the Command Council is slowly writing out the rule book in longhand. Be cautioned though, the virus can creep into restaurants via the consumption of alcohol so sticking to Brutal Fruit may be up there with edible masks and vanilla sanitiser.

Casinos are in full swing. The bouncers have just emerged from a boot camp where they were trained to keep the patrons on one side of the available space. The book says that they may only gamble in half the available space, aka 50%, so they went to the taxi industry general meeting to figure out how to get double the amount of customers into half the available area. Those stepping across the chalk mark will be slapped into place with a wayward blackjack chip, whilst the virus licks her lips in anticipation of the shivering individual jumping the line.

Tattoo parlours

Tattoo parlours can now jab needles into vast patches of exposed flesh and ooze ink through these holes, only if everyone is politely sneezing behind their masks and tapping elbows towards the point of entry.

Cinemas are opening again in so far as they can without the ‘Standard Operating Procedure Manuals’. However, the interiors are usually dark, so it is difficult for the men in blue to see if the 1.5 protocol is in place. Recently I saw a mask for sale that had the safety precautions printed on the side of the packaging. It stated, ‘for single use only’ and of course below that, it said, ‘Made in China’.  I think this must have been imported by the cinemas so those romantically inclined can buy a ‘double use only’ and giggle behind the tandem fabric.

It is now legal for those lovebirds with an urgent need to tie the knot to tootle down to the local home affairs sans flouncing bridesmaids and teary parents. However, they can use phones to record that special moment when the magistrate says, “you may now raise your elbow and bump the bride”.

Only 50 are safe.

There is yet no respite for the 51st person at funerals or movie queues as they are sure to be nabbed by the virus.

In addition, the STAATSKOERANT, of the 19 JUNIE 2020 No. 43459.9. clearly warns that people above the age of 60 with co-morbidities must be discouraged from working.  I’ve yet to discover my co-morbidities but have never had to be discouraged from working. It doesn’t however allude to the virus vacuum cleaner that sucks your bank accounts dry whilst you frolic on your co-morbidity holiday.

The Tourism Industry are still wearing orange jumpsuits.

The tourism industry continues to scrape the rust off coaches with grass growing between the wheels. A handful of the lucky BEEE compliant folk are drooling over R50 000 inflating their bank balances but most stare warily at a vast empty skyline whilst holding hands with Peter Stuyvesant. Many are still cleaning their quills and rubbing  tennis elbows after filling out numerous rescue applications to the VBS bank, which are as likely to offer relief as any other institution at this stage.

Tourism was expected to produce a mere R145.3 billion towards the economy in 2020. Many of the doyennes of the industry have now left their Whatsapp groups to tart up their CV’s whilst the die-hard’s continue to develop new tours after having used the last of the masking tape to fix their cracked crystal balls.

So true are the reviews of 2020.

Rotten Tomatoes gave it 1/10 with critics querying how they arrived at 1. “Don’t waste your time”, they said. “It drags and flounders without any direction and the plot is ludicrous.”

However, there is talk that a sequel called 2021 is currently being written and will be produced under new direction.

We’re told it could just be a cracker!

One thought on “2021 could be a Cracker!

  1. Barbara Bruynse says:

    It is so very hard for tourism to Mae a comeback when borders are closed and people have no money for a holiday or even a weekend. Take heart! We will soon be flooded with visitors who cannot stand looking at those 4 walls and want to walk in the mountains!

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