New Covert Council Commandments. (aka the N.C.C.C.)
As a young child, I can recall having to do as I was told. As I grew older the commands were usually explained and generally elicited no argument if they made sense. Our Nanny State now demands that we do as we are told, even when there is no justification, which has resulted in disobedience and a disgruntled nation. Could this perhaps be that unbeknown to them, we are now adults?
Our new commandments:
- Thou shalt not wine. Or beer or Jonnie Walker orKlippies or anything vaguely pleasant that tastes good to adults. Those of you who have become inebriated and gone home to smack your wives and children, we will find you, we will hunt you down as you are the cause of this drought. “May the fleas of a thousand camels invade your crotch and may your arms be to short too scratch”
- Thou shalt not smoke. Known brands who advertise and pay taxes but if you want a few boxes of illegal puffs or know someone with rings in their eyebrows and flasher coats you can do anything you want. There is no problem with a ‘zol’ or two but don’t light up anywhere near a gym because those are illegal.
- Thou shalt not lie. Except if you are trying to justify a ban on smoking or crime statistics or any other such fraud and so on and so on.
- Thou shalt not visit family or friends. Rather get together in a taxi and drive around your area for a few hours. Taxis can fill up to 100% so the whole family and their future friends can join but please not more than 49 per vehicle. Be mindful though, to wear balaclavas, as you must leave the windows open.
- Thou shalt not ‘covid’ thy neighbour’s wife. Or her husband or car or dogs or weed-eater. In fact, you are not allowed to go anywhere near their house, even to check whether your DB Board is on the blink or if it is just another two hours of load shedding.
- Thou shalt not break the curfew. After 21h00 through to 04h00, municipal officials require time to load food parcels into their garages and others need to wash and shine the cars they bought from TERS funds. You must be in bed asleep for them to have some privacy with these strenuous tasks.
- Thou shalt not travel. Or you can, if you are going on business, or perhaps leisure or perhaps not, or perhaps could be, but who knows, just rather sleep in a taxi with your bucket and spade under the seat.
- Thou shalt not party. At all, unless the person throwing the party has just died, then you can rustle up 49 friends to go to the church and grave-yard and sniffle all over each other but the wake must be alcohol and smoke-free.
- Thou shalt not be seen without a mask. Ever! So just get used to it and think of the amount of money you are saving in cosmetics, shaving cream, acne medication, and double chin liposuction. Trust me with your very depleted bank accounts you are going to need every cent for your taxi rides.
- Thou shalt not complain about losing thy job in tourism. It is your own fault as according to the ‘honourable minister’ you should have checked, long before the lock-down, that your employer was sustainable, especially during a world pandemic or state of disaster. Surely this was on your list of questions to be asked at your interview
And so the circus continues…. It is good to stretch the smile muscles occasionally, especially when our frown muscles have become so well exercised that King Kong is in jeopardy of being ousted from his role.
However, not for one moment, do we discount the desperate position that most of us are facing in terms of our tourism companies. Each day brings the industry closer to collapse. Each day hundreds of people from all walks of life go home in a panic, not knowing how they will feed their families after having lost their jobs.
Each day we wonder about our lack of understanding as to why a virus that has a 96% recovery rate is responsible for starving millions of people, closing-down businesses, destroying economies, and devastating our future.
Perhaps one day we’ll chat over a bottle of wine, turn the meat on the braai and reminisce over a time that taught us so many lessons, a time we never want to live through again.